Gatecrashers

Case 02789-12

19^th July 2023

Reported: Special Agent in Charge Anderson

Classified

Unauthorized viewing of this

document is punishable in a court of law.

At 18:00 hours yesterday, scientists working within 377^th MI tested Teleportation Priority 006.

Tests confirmed that the lab mice transported from Forts Hood to Jackson are the same and remain in good health.

Future testing and observation will determine if Teleportation Priority 006 provides any side effects.

Major Huffman reports intentions to test on human soldiers in the next three (3) months.

Case 02789-14

20^th November 2023

Reported: Special Agent in Charge Anderson

Classified

Unauthorized viewing of this

document is punishable in a court of law.

Sergeants Redwood and Koltz, identified in other reports as Subjects X and Y, have become, as of this morning, the first human subjects transported by Teleportation Priority 006.

At 07:00 hours, Subject X left Fort Hood via Teleportation Priority’s “front gate.”

At 07:01, Subject X materialized in Fort Jackson via Teleportation Priority’s “back yard.”

At 08:00, Subject Y followed the same path and accomplished the same results.

Doctor Burger now leads a team of specialists who have yet to discover any side effects present within either subject.

From page 27 of Science Today

Dated January 2^nd, 2026

Reported by Skip Patterson

What Shall Humanity do with all its Highways?

As the sun sets on one of humanity’s finest hours, construction workers labor to finish the final few “back yards” that serve as the receiving ends of teleportation devices that will soon stand scattered throughout the world.

Pizzas, and other edibles, can now materialize inside your home the second they’re made (and so can bombs).

Children can zap themselves to school with the push of a button (and ditch school just as quickly).

The world no longer needs gasoline to fill their cars. They no longer require cars. Overnight, the automobile, airline, and delivery industry face bankruptcies.

Politicians have already posed the question, “How soon can we get a ‘gate’ and ‘yard’ on the moon?

Case 02789-36

14^th May 2026

Reported: Special Agent Smith

Classified

Unauthorized viewing of this

document is punishable in a court of law.

Reports have surfaced that Sergeant Koltz, also known as Subject Y, unsuccessfully attempted to pass a retina scan on the 5^th of March 2026.

She has failed to pass a single one since.

It remains unclear whether she has attempted such a scan between the time of her first teleportation and the 5^th of March 2026.

Optometrists have tested Subject Y’s eyes, and they have determined that the health of Y’s eyes has not suffered any decrease in their capabilities.

In fact, the aforementioned doctors reported that Y’s eyesight has gone from 20/20 to 5/20.

From page 3 of Healthy Family

Dated August 22^nd, 2026

Reported by Lisa Welsh

Can Teleportation Change Your Taste Buds?

People across the world have reported that their children and spouses no longer crave the same foods.

Of those who filed these reports, none of them have ever used a teleportation device.

As for the children and spouses whose taste buds underwent radical changes: all of them admit that they used a teleportation device at least once.

Psychologists share concerns that this might serve as only the first warning sign of unexpected side effects from teleportation.

With every first-world less than a year away from tearing down their highways and sprinkling Gates and Yards across their homelands . . .

Case 02789-105

10^th July 2027

Reported: Special Agent Brown

Top-secret

Unauthorized viewing of this

document is punishable in a court of law.

Something’s wrong.

While vetting potential, fresh recruits for the FBI, Agent Dustan noticed that many of his interviewees acted nothing like the personalities portrayed by their earliest psych evaluations.

After a bit of investigation, Agent Dustan realized that every one of these potential recruits stopped behaving as “themselves” shortly after their first encounter with a teleportation gate.

Agent Dustan also noted that these recruits seemed incapable of failing a polygraph. Dustan could ask them to respond, “Yes” to such questions as, “Is the Earth made of cheese.” When the interviewees replied in the affirmative, the polygraphs failed to so much as twitch.

From the transcripts of an interview with

Special Agent Anderson

By Teddy Gardner

Night View: A Prime Time News Show

Dated October 13^th, 2027

Anderson

I have assigned the most talented doctors in the world to investigate these claims. Every one of them has reported that no connection exists between the use of the Gates and changes in their users’ behaviors.

Gardner

Many of your colleagues disagree.

There stands a notable difference between those colleagues and yourself. You’ve used a Gate. Those that disagree with your assessments have not.

Even the doctors that you appointed to the investigation have admitted that they used a Gate at least once.

From the monologue script for

The Tonight Show

Dated November 5^th, 2027

“From the farthest reaches of ‘I don’t have enough to complain about,’ comes this lovely nugget of stupidity.

“Apparently, parents across the globe have united to whine that their kids are ‘too smart.’”

(pause for laughs)

“Yeah. Too smart. These parents complain that their kids exhibit ‘unusual knowledge’ of computers, electronics, and chemistry.

“The parents went on to complain that their children don’t ‘exhibit human emotions.’”

(pause)

“Well, how could any of them ever hope to exhibit their parents’ levels of disappointment? Huh? Am I right?”

From a bathroom wall in downtown Seattle

We’re not us

From page 18 of Healthy Family

Dated December 10^th, 2027

Reported by Lisa Welch

A New Evolution?

Lu Pho, a lab assistant at Hermann-Trent, one of the leading manufactures of teleportation gates, gave birth to a ten-pound boy—with a thin, spiked tail.

Pho laughed off the mutation, saying, “He’s everything I ever wanted.”

Just hours after she gave birth, she, her husband, and their new child teleported to their home in LA.

This strange birth occurred days after a woman in Hong Kong gave birth to what doctors called “A cactus with flippers.”

From the transcripts of an interview with

Donald Trent, co-founder of Hermann-Trent

By Teddy Gardner

Night View: A Prime Time News Show

Dated December 13^th, 2027

Gardner

So, you deny that your teleportation gates have anything to do with the strange behavior and mutations that people around the world have experienced?

Trent

There’s no science to reinforce these wild claims made by technophobes.

These rumors were probably started by the oil industry, a last, cheap punch before my machines put them all out of business.

Evidence suggests that a lot of good comes, health-wise, to those who use my Gates. Increased eyesight, increased stamina, stronger resistance to poisons and microbes.

Gardner

You don’t find it the least bit concerning that everyone who used a Gate now has the same blood type?

Trent

Why should that cause alarm?

Think how beneficial it’ll be when anyone can donate and receive blood from anyone.

From page 16 of

The Seattle Stranger

Dated December 24^th, 2027

Reported by Debra Becker

What’s Happening to Us?

Could we please stop acting as if this is normal?

It started with the children. The newborns. They arrived in this world mutated, otherworldly.

Now, the adults have begun to change. Eight fingers. Six toes. Eyes two different colors.

Why doesn’t anyone care that our cats and dogs have fled from us?

So few people actually talk, anymore. They just exchange nods, as if they read each other’s thoughts.

Those who have used the gates have started to grow longer, stronger teeth. Their fingernails have lengthened to claws. None of these people (who now call themselves “Gatecrashers”) find anything wrong with their mutations.

Am I truly the only one who’s too frightened to deny she’s frightened?

From the mouth of POTUS

At the 2028 State of the Union

“I hold no fear of teleportation gates. I use one, myself, when I visit our overseas allies.

“As you may’ve noticed, nearly all countries now stand as one. The only countries that have not joined the Union of Gatecrashers are those too poor to afford Gates.

“However, the great nations of this earth have pooled their resources, and we shall provide gates to those third-world countries over the next few months.”

From page 3 of

The Seattle Stranger

Dated December 24^th, 2027

Reported by Stan Grace

Convicted Terrorist Changes His Tune

Eddie Vandal, the man convicted of trying to detonate a bomb in the parking lot at Hermann-Trent headquarters, has published countless, online videos in which he demanded the destruction of every Gate on Earth.

However, seconds after authorities teleported him from his trial to the federal prison in which he will serve his life-long sentence, he announced a change of heart.

He currently praises the existence of Gates, encourages everyone to use them.

Since his arrive in prison, Vandal’s hands have changed shape, hardened into shovel-like instruments.

He happily reports that he now enjoys digging.

From page 12 of Earth

(Limited, Handwritten Edition)

Dated April 11^th, 2031

It’s the ones with the mouths full of tentacles that change the game. They know you’re there, even if they can’t see you.

When you spot a Gatecrasher, and it hasn’t spotted you, best thing to do is hide.

But the Crashers with the bouquets of slimy feelers slithering from their jaws? You see one of those, you run like hell. Ain’t no hope in hiding.

If you find yourself in the country formerly called “Canada,” tread lightly. The ground’s full of Wurms. These Crashers burrow underground. They can sense a flea on the surface.

Above all, remember that the children—especially the ones that still look human—are the most dangerous. They’ll wander towards you, all teary-eyed and snot-nosed, and then their faces crack in half, and the bugs come scurrying out.

For all of us who haven’t passed through a Gate, it’s only a matter of time before one of ’em Crashers finds us. They don’t eat us. They just chew us. I don’t even think they need to eat.

I don’t know what the hell they are.

I just know that everyone who ever traveled through a gate didn’t come back; a Crasher returned in his or her place. I don’t know where the originals—the actual human beings—went, but I hope to God they’re dead. For their sakes.

Keep your heads and voices low, people.

Sleep light and don’t dream.