Dating Advice from Ass-Master Steve

You want to learn how to be a pussy-whisperer like me? You came to the right place, yo. I’ll teach you the basics. Before long, you be all mad-deep in women.

I know what I’m talking about. I can name, like, millions of chicks I’ve slept with, but they’re all from Canada, so you wouldn’t know any of ’em.

Step One: Yell at random women on the sidewalk.

Sounds crazy, right? But check this out: ninety-nine-point-two percent of all successful marriages originate with this step. That’s just math, bro.

So you’re driving along, listening to your Limp Bizkit, and you see some fly-ass honey standing on the sidewalk. You creep up, roll down your window, and yell, “Hey, girl!”

Chicks love this shit.

Step Two: Be judgmental.

Nothing turns a woman on more than feeling judged by someone who doesn’t know shit about her.

If she works fulltime, make her feel guilty for not being at home with her kids.

If she does spend time with her kids, make her feel guilty for being more of a homemaker and less of a modern, independent, career-minded woman.

If she doesn’t have kids, remind her that her eggs are all shriveling up inside her, and that she’s not doing her job to make babies and stuff.

If she puts out, call her a slut.

If she withholds, call her a tease.

If she pretends to enjoy sports, video games, or comics, quiz her with mass suspicion. Let her know that you aren’t fooled for a second. You know damn well she’s pretending to like that stuff because she wants to impress you.

Chicks don’t enjoy nothing that don’t have shit to do with potholders.

Step Three: Be Sensitive.

Bitches love a sensitive motherfucker. Whenever you’re with a target, act like a whiny pussy. Weep a lot and put yourself down.

Here’s some more math for you, bro: Pity equals attraction.

Step Four: Be self-centered.

Nothing makes a chick hotter than a guy who won’t shut up about himself.

For whatever reason, chicks feel a need to try to slide in a comment or two about themselves, or they ask questions that sound like you ought to return them. Don’t fall for that shit, dawg. Never let a girl get a word in edgewise.

This lets her know that you have no interest in her as a person, and that you only want to hit it. Always a good idea to get that information across.

What do you talk about? Ex-girlfriends are perfect! Tell her all about those asses you’ve tapped and how badly the relationships ended. Sound bitter.

Step Five: Be arrogant.

This goes hand-in-hand with never shutting up about how awesome you are.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Ass-master Steve, you just said back at Step Three that I ought to put myself down and mope a lot.”

Yeah, bro. Definitely. But you have to spin it around constantly and talk a lot of shit about how awesome you are.

The goal is to sound like a worthless person who’s trying to compensate by acting like a know-it-all asshole.

This can prove tricky. The last thing you want a honey to think is that you have enough well-deserved self-confidences that you can play it cool and not give a shit what anyone else thinks about you. No chick would ever find that appealing.

Step Six: Corner her.

Whenever a honey wanders into the corner of a room, block her way back out of it. Wave your arms around if necessary.

DO NOT let her get past you. This is NOT the time for respect toward personal boundaries.

The more frustrated she becomes with you, the more likely you’re going to hit it.

The First Date:

The enemies of home plate are safety and security. Make sure your target feels neither. Chicks dig a guy they can’t trust. If she tells you something private, tweet that shit to the world.

For your first date, take her to a dangerous neighborhood and abandon her. Just walk out of whichever building the two of you are in, get in your car, and drive away without saying a word.

The First Kiss:

Always ask permission to kiss her. Say it in a whiny voice, like you expect her to say “No.” Take waaaaay to long to psych yourself up for it.

If possible, crack your forehead against hers when you finally go in.

It helps to have a lot of chewing gum in your mouth. Chewing tobacco works even better.

In Bed:

The game of sex is won by getting as much pleasure for yourself as possible. Don’t waste time trying to figure out what she likes. This would require you to pay attention to how she responds to different activities.

Just do whatever the hell you want and yell the wrong name when you cum.

After Sex:

Get the hell out of there, yo. Chicks hate cuddling almost as much as they hate pillow talk. Just scramble for the door.

Do NOT call the bitch the next day. Ignore her until she’s texted you half a dozen times. And make damn sure you tell everyone on Facebook how freaky she was between the sheets. Those rumors won’t start themselves.

On your way out of her apartment, leave something behind by “accident.” This way, you’ll have an excuse to return and try to hit it again without her thinking you came back because you wanted to spend time with her.

In Conclusion:

Follow these simple steps, and you can be like me, Ass-Master Steve, who has, like, a million girlfriends . . . in Canada.